I let my heel dig deep into the mud and watched the as the mud caked around the stiletto. It was probably never going to come off, I'd have to send these to the cleaners later on. I hoped they had decent cobblers in Miami.
I cursed myself for caring about my shoes at a time like this but, the truth was I was just distracting myself. I could hear the padded sounds of footsteps behind me and I just shifted uneasily in my chair suddenly wishing there was someone sitting beside me. I finally turned my head and watched the walking party coming down the aisle.
I should have been there right at the front, I should be holding on to my mother- in-laws arm comforting her but, I wasn’t, I had no place in there now. I was just another face. As I saw the casket coming into view I took off my dark shades and stared right at it, I looked up from the casket and caught the eye of Raleigh who looked right at me and offered me a somber smile. His was holding on tightly to the handle of his brother’s casket and just looked ahead a tear trailing down his cheek-- he was being so strong. I knew Raleigh would have carried the casket by himself if he had to. I never actually knew Logan’s family except for Raleigh. I knew they were cursing him for joining United Light and anything that went with it so I knew that part of that cursing was also meant for me.
Logan, like the others had abandoned a lot of family when joining United Light. I was surprised their mother had even bothered to come and pay for the funeral. My eyes rested on her. She was convulsing in tears and Raleigh had left the rest of the pallbearers to comfort her but, she seemed unaffected. Despite the small crowd I knew Logan had been loved, I saw the girl sitting a few chairs away from me who had introduced herself as Logan’s classmate was in tears, wiping mascara all over her white blouse.
“Hey—here,” I said handing her the unopened packet of tissues I had in my clutch.
She took a few and handed it back to me but I shook her off.
“You won’t need them ?” she wept
“I’m okay,” I told her.
“Thank you,” she said and then smiled ,”You look really pretty by the way,”
I thanked her and turned back to the front. I felt awkward not crying like everyone else around me but, tears just escaped me. I stared at the coffin that was holding my love and I held strong and stoic as I always had.
Maybe I was just used to it. Everything I loved was always being torn away from me.
***
It was deep into the night when the grave was finally empty of all cemetery employees. I came out from my hiding spot behind the trees and up to the newly covered grave. I placed my small bouquet on the grave.
It was so quiet.
I had stood by all night and watched them fill the grave, I was going to be the first person to lay a flower on his final resting place. I felt my phone go off and immediately looked down to see another text message from Elisa. She was too kind but, there were things I had to do on my own. I heard steps behind me and I instinctively reached for my mace.
“It’s me,” I heard Raleigh’s voice.
“Sorry,” I said," Hi"
He had left with his family after the funeral we hadn’t talked all day.
“How are you doing ?” he asked sitting next to me.
“How do you think ?”
“Considering I’ve shed more tears than you I think you’re doing better than me,”
“I really loved him, even though I’m not technically a relative it hurts me just as much I don’t think anyone realizes that. It just feels so incomplete, I mean it’s like our relationship didn’t exist. It's just Logan and I --we had plans and everything.”
“What are you going to do next ?” he asked
“I’m going to work tomorrow-- I have to move on and I will never forget him and more importantly I’m going to make his death mean something,”
“What do you mean ?”
“We both know he didn’t die of natural causes and I know there is a reason you’re not telling me why we couldn’t have a wake—“
“Trust me you are better off not knowing,” he said
He put his arm around me and hoisted me up.
“Let’s go home,” he said.
***
I actually had a very nice life outside of United Light. When I was kicked out with Elisa and Sawyer I felt hopeless but, I picked myself up. Well, I owed most of it to Elisa who was a better friend to me than I had been to her on the commune. I was able to show off my dossiers and found work as an assistant at a local design house in the city. I worked hard and was challenged and pleasantly surprised by my first paycheck.
I had always been told I was talented but never thought much of it. I owed most of it to my mother, I had practically grown up with a sewing needle in my hand. My mother had always been my inspiration.
I know when I was 8 she left my father-- her husband and my stepbrother to join United Light. I saw them a few times when I was in college but, the relationship had been damaged by that point. Of course I was too blind to see that. I just thought my father and stepbrother were just ignorant and undeserving. My father told me I always had a place to go to in Georgia if I needed it but, other than that we were not that close. I was glad I hadn’t told them I was engaged. I couldn't imagine explaining my fiance was dead to them.
My life on the commune had been cherished though, I was happy but it had all been a lie. Still, In a way to me it was worth it because I met Logan.
I let these thoughts go through my head as I pulled up to work, I went in the back of the design house to see how my work was progressing. I walked in to see Elisa sitting at my desk.
“You’re not supposed to be back here,” I told her
“Your boss said it was okay,” she said getting up to hug me. I was annoyed that she thought I needed comforting but something about Elisa’s hug felt comfortable.
“How was it ?” she asked
“It was a funeral-- it was depressing and a little awkward but I guess I have closure,” I told her feeling uneasy about the topic.
“I would be a mess if Sawyer died,” she told me “You have been so strong—“
“I guess this is how I deal with it,” I said
I was sick of people telling me I was strong. I wasn’t. I was just in disbelief.
“You deal well,” she said
“No, I don’t” I told her, “I am pissed off as hell and I'm afraid Logan's death will mean nothing,”
“I know," she said, "Just know I am behind you,”
I smiled and sank deeper in her embrace.
***
Raleigh opened the door for me as I came in lugging sketchbooks , fabrics and my ripped up umbrella.
The rain in Miami was killer during tornado season.
“I have so much work to do,” I told him, “Elisa came by my job and she can be a little distracting,”
“I’ll get out of your way,” he said, “I have a few interviews for tomorrow, myself at some firms,”
I smiled and went to my drawing desk and set to work on what were my most requested but hardest things to make.
Wedding dresses.
It took some intense concentration on my part to not put pieces of my own wedding dress into other peoples.
I sketched a few princess silhouettes and then I heard Raleigh turn on the television to the ballet on PBS.
I saw a few raindrops fall on my sketchbook.
I reached over and closed my window so the rain wouldn’t spray on my sketches but they kept coming falling down my face in blackish swirls, I silently wiped them away but it was useless. The tears just formed and slid down my face uncontrollably.
“Dammit Logan,” I whispered so Raleigh couldn’t hear me, “ Damn you,”
I miss you
