Part I
It was a simple house. Just four walls and a roof, really
. The house stands alone in the small patch of dying grass, the muted yellow walls supporting the white roof at a slight angle. Extending out from the front was a modest sized porch with a couple of rocking chairs facing the road. The house was nestled right in front of a bunch of trees and beyond those trees there was swamp and nothingness. I turned back to the car where the state worker, Mrs. Cross was watching me approach the house. I gave her a wave and she drove off as I walked up to the front door. I turned the knob and the lock gave but, I didn’t open the door.
I knew the house was empty. Mama was probably still at work and it was still summer so Savannah was most likely at some day camp or hanging out with her friends. I considered what to do next when I heard the faint sound of labored breathing and squeaky tires from behind me followed by the loud barks of a dog. I’d know those sounds anywhere. A smile spread across my face as I turned to see Cody on his old green bicycle pedaling up to the house, his greyhound, Beau behind him. Cody abandoned the bike in the driveway and ran up to where I was standing on the front porch, Beau sniffed around my leg like he was meeting me for the first time.
“You really back, huh ?” Cody said punching me in the shoulder.
“Yeah,” I said reaching down to pet Beau who must have recognized my scent because he playfully licked my hand.
“You been to the car dealership, ?” Cody smiled crossing his arm “ You gonna take me for a ride in your new convertible ? We going to Baton Rouge and have some fun,”
“What the fuck
are you going on about ?” I laughed
“You was always talking about how you were gonna make so much god damn money ,” he explained “With them people. Don’t tell me it was a scam ?”
“I ain’t really gonna to talk about that.”
“You gotta talk sometime, get your side in,” He said “Everybody wants to know. They think you worship the devil now or somethin’.”
I just laughed it off.
“You here for good, though now, right ?” he asked
“Yeah, I guess so,” realizing that statement was worse than I thought, “What you doin’ now ?”
“I work at Tom Grady’s sport’s store . . . it’s pretty nice job. I basically watch ESPN all day,”
I nodded my head. I wondered what dead end job was waiting for me. Cody and I had been pretty good friends since we were both kids, we were always together. But, as we got older we kind of grew apart. Especially the more I came to hate Freeport because he was exactly what it stood for. I had no idea what our adult relationship would ever be.
“You want to get in some trouble with me ?” he finally asked, “ We can go huntin’ or--
I just shook my head and we stood in silence for a while
“Well, I gotta go," Cody finally said "But, I’m glad you okay. I seen all this shit on the news about the raid---“
“Yeah, I know I seen it too,” I cut him off, “I’m okay.”
He nodded his head and headed back up the street, Beau tearing behind him.
I have had my share of awkward silences but never with someone who was one of my close friends. I wondered if he had changed or if I had
I took a seat on the rocking chair
and rocked back and forth as the sun hit my face, warming it
up. It was nice here --being home--but, I was still itching to get out. I saw a familiar red pick up truck nearing the
driveway, Mama barely put the car in park before she got out
and came toward me. She looked just the same, tired but strong.
“Are you okay ?” was the first things she said to me.
I nodded my head and accepted her in a half hug
“You don’t seem it,” she said," It's too hot to be out here,"
She took my arm and l followed her into the house. We had been at odds for most of my senior year having fight after fight but it didn’t seem like it mattered now.
“I guess I’m just the same I’m not ready to be back her," I told her "I made a stupid mistake and I failed and now it looks like I’m back home,”
I expected some kind of I told you so speech coming on but, she seemed to have an uneasy look on her face
“Maybe not. You should go look on your bed,”
I nonchalantlry walked to my room like I didn’t care what was waiting for me but, I was curious. I looked to see an envelope and I couldn’t help but to laugh at myself. This couldn’t be what I thought it was.
Looks like I had a way out the entire time. I looked up to see Mama standing at the door.
"When are you leaving ?" she asked pulling her dark curls into a ponytail and then letting them fall again.
"Looks, like next week," I told her not bothering to make eye contact.
"You gonna be ready ?" she asked
"You ain't gonna fight me about it ?"
"You're like your daddy, nothing I or anybody say is gonna change your mind," she admitted, " Atleast this time I'll know where you are,"
"I'm sorry about that," I told her.
"It's in the past. I'm going to make you some lunch," she said and disappeared behind the door.
I knew I'd have to hurry to be prepared to leave that included getting started on
those god damn doctors homework.
I reached into my backpack and took out the notebook and pen I had been given and lying down on my bed I pondered on what to write. Those shrinks told me I needed counseling and wanted to me to start writing. I had asked about what and they said anything that had affected me.
That obviously meant United Light. But, it's funny they don't know United Light had affected me long before I joined.
***
Living in Freeport we always knew about United Light. We were the closest town to their commune—it was just 30 miles away. It was a fact that there were people living in a commune together but, most people in town tried to ignore them and United Light never caused much trouble. I remember the first time I ever saw any of them.
I was about maybe
5, but I remember because that was when
Dad was alive. He was active in the army and had just came back come home from his 6 month assignment and
Mama decided she was going to make a pie after dinner. She had to go to the grocery store to
get some more apples and Dad wanted to go with her because he had just come
home 5 hours ago and didn’t want to be
away from her. It was our first outing as a family in a while.
In the parking lot of the grocery store there was a bus taking up 8 spaces. I remember Dad whispering over to Mama “are they still around ?” and she nodded taking my hand and holding me closer to her. Even at that young age I remember thinking the United Light people were strange, you could tell they weren’t like us. When they walked across the parking lot, they clung close to each other and they were all wearing some shade of blue. I remember watching them and seeing there were always people guarding over them and the guards never made eye contact. I never knew I would become one. Then again, we never know what life is going to decide for us.
That next year Dad died in Desert Storm of friendly fire no less—he died just a few months after Savannah was born. Of course people talked about how brave my dad was but, they also called him foolish for leaving Freeport behind our backs. I think that’s when my hatred for this town began, that’s when I knew I wanted to get out t like Dad. Along with that hatred came a temper I couldn’t always control and of course everyone blamed on me not having a father at home.
I always seemed to get in a fight in every grade over the dumbest stuff and even though people told me I was never going to get anywhere with that attitude I still had my plan for leaving town.
I got a job when I was 16 at t the Freeport Pharmacy--the local drugstore. It was shit work and all I did unload boxes in a stockroom for hours at a time I didn't care though-- I was trying to save money to help me get wherever I needed to go. Everything was going fine until they had to lay me off a days after graduation. That’s when everything started.
That same weekend I got fired, Mama had fallen
at work and she was laying on the couch in pain not wanting to go to the
doctor in case they told her boss and he cut her hours. She had taken Tylenol all weekend but she was
suffering and I could tell. I knew I was supposed to be the man of the house and I
felt helpless.
When Mama went to sleep I went to the hearth in
the living room and opened the case on top of the fireplace. It had my Dad’s
hand gun in it. I slipped the pistol in my jacket pocket. It didn’t have any
bullets or anything, Dad had always hidden those away from us kids and I never asked Mama
where they were. I wouldn’t need them anyway, this gun was just for looks.
I went back to Freeport Pharmacy and my nerves where jumping all over the place when I saw Murray behind the counter. He used to be my supervisor. I held the gun up to him as still as I could and told him to just please cooperate and give me the medications for Mama. He looked at me disappointed but, also fearful and gave me what I asked for. The minute the bag was in my hand I ran for the door but, I could hear some kind of alarm going off. I was almost out the door when I felt a hand on my shoulder. That’s when I saw him.
Simon Caine.
He was standing in front of me blocking my exit, I could see a police car outside already. He didn't seem to be at all threatened by the gun in my hand. Caine held on to my shoulder tightly and led me to the police car, I don’t know why I didn’t try and run.
I was ready to get arrested when I realized Caine was reasoning with the police officer on my behalf. I have no idea what he did or said but after a few minutes and phone calls the police had left and I was standing in the parking lot with Caine telling me I was free to go.
“Thank you so much, sir,” I told him,” The drugs they’re for my mother. . . it was stupid but, I am tryin’ to get into the Coast Guard Academy and this on my record could have really messed things up. Thank you,sir.”
“I heard you holding up the pharmacist. You didn’t demand you begged and I knew you were not just an ordinary criminal,” He said, “But, you seem to handle a weapon fairly well,”
“I like guns,” told him
I kind of regretted that statement but, it was true. Welcome to the South.I had been going hunting forever and I loved the feeling of having a weapon in my hands.
“My name is Simon Caine and I have to say I am taking an interest in you,” He said and then looked at the gun,” Why do you want to be in the Coast Guard ?”
“I don’t know what I want, sir” I told him, “My mama don’t want me to join the Army or Marines but, I just want more than this. Plus the academy has no tuition but, I haven’t heard back so I probably didn’t get in.”
“Well, I am searching for people like yourself to work for me,” he said “It would pay $1900 a month, and at the end of a year you will get a large stipend and I will use my powers to do whatever I can for you.”
“Powers ?”
“You saw what I did here,” he said handing me a card, “Contact me when you are ready for more out of life,”
I was sick of being home and all my
friends with their simplistic view of
things, so I took the offer. It led to more fights than I care to recount with Mama and practically everyone in my life but, in the end they agreed I was ' just like my father ' and would have to learn the hard way.
***
That first day on the commune we were taken to the training facility and I was surrounded by other boys around my age from all over the country. They all had their own stories and reasons for being there. They were all in shock and awe of Caine like I was but somehow I felt a personal connection to him, like when he talked he was talking to just me.
“In your society getting the highest level of respect takes long years of work and still no one will give it to you. For some of you society has casted you aside already but, I have good news. In this community ever young man here has already gained that respect. You will be treated with more than respect than you can imagine” Caine said,"All you have to do is keep it,"
After a few introductions including one of our new commander, Garrett Reiter-- we were piled into black SUV’s and toured around the commune. The commune seemed homely enough and I felt ridiculous that people in my town feared this place. The commune was just another close knit community and on top of that the women were gorgeous.
We were set up in one nicest homes on the commune-- an 8 bedroom mansion. After we were paired off with others to share a room we were told training started the next day. I was excited because for once I didn’t know what was going to happen the next day.
Training was only 4 weeks and it was brutal as a matter of fact parts of it were actually inhumane. We learned how
to use over 20 different types of what Reiter called 'protective measures' but they were really weapons. We were required to wear all of them on us at all times. It was everything from a knives to handguns to tranquilizers to a taser.
As for the inhumane part well, in addition to learning how to use the weapons we had to serve as tests dummies for the others as well. I cringe thinking of how I was forced to let a bullet graze my arm and let a searing needle of saline rest in my wrist for an hour. But what makes me sick even thinking on it now is the memory of being tased.
Two other TL's stood on either side of me and held my arms, I thought it was ridiculous and I could handle it but, my body betrayed me. I was practically shaking as the TL approached closer to me, the electrical pulses sparking. The minute he made contact with my bare chest a noise left my throat I couldn't control, it was like my body was on fire from the inside, it was the first time I actually came close to crying. I fell to the ground and my body just reverberated in painful shocks. When I had recovered an hour later it was my turn to test the taser on someone else. The reason I went through this was because I liked handling the weapons and I loved the feeling of power that came with it.
As we neared the end of training that’s when things started to change. After we had all been given our official uniform Reiter made an announcement.
“You see there are threats and big ones to the lifestyle Caine has created. They are causing problems and I mean violent ones. You will learn how to protect this community and Caine by equaling there violence and overcoming it. These new threats will cause us to stop using names but instead you all will be coded as numbers.”
That’s when I became TL153, just another TL. My post was to stand at the gate during the night and whatever other new task was asked of me but I was the kind who learned quickly. Caine took notice and started taking me (along with a few others) to lunches with him just to talk and I soon became addicted to his approval. Caine was right about all the attention and respect we got from the people living on the commune. People wanted to talk to us just because. I was happy but, then TL85 happened.
TL85 was my roommate and even though he got as much respect as any of us he always whined and thought of leaving. One day he approached me while I was eating lunch in the common area with a few others. He pulled me aside and said he wanted to talk.
"Rhett, I'm thinking of leaving," he whispered
"Don't start in on this shit again," I told him, I felt my old temper coming back.
"I'm walking out tonight Caine has a god complex and is losing his fucking mind I think he is up to something, I don't trust him and I like you so, I think you should come too,"
My anger got the best of me and the next thing I knew I had my taser on his face. He quickly pulled the electrodes out and punched me in the face, I could feel something in my face go out of place but, I didn't care, I pushed him hard to the ground and started kicking in his face and sides, I could feel his ribs breaking. He finally pulled on my leg and I landed face first on the ground and the pain only made me more angry. I was ready to take out my knife and stab him when I felt two people breaking us up.
We were having dinner in the TL lounge when he had the boldness to
confide in me he thought Caine was crazy
and he was walking out of the protected living that night. My old temper came back to me and I got upset and
immediately took out the taser and held it close to his eye, I knew the pain that
would be richoteing through his body. When I looked up to see Reiter's face my heart immediately sank.
I knew the punishment for misbehavior was release or death (the subordinates choice). TL85 was sent to the infamary and I waited in Caine's office, when I saw Caine's personal TL, Henry walk in. I knew Caine wasn't far behind.
"You look like shit," Henry laughed
"You should see the other guy," I told him and he laughed even harder. The laughter immediately stopped when Caine walked in holding a manila folder.
“TL85 has 2 broken ribs, he is in the infamy and he will be shown the door soon. He is in quite a condition, Mr.Clark did you honestly do that to protect the name of the community ?”
I had to be honest
“No,sir,” I said “I did it for you,
sir”
The next week I didn't get dismissed but, got a private room in Caine’s home inside the basement and I was getting more hands on training on handling weapons and being alert. Every night I was taken out to a steak dinner with Caine and Henry and I always got back to my room in time to listen to sports radio every night. Being around Caine I commanded respect from everyone, even men who were years older than me were calling me sir.
When I was told I would be one of
Caine’s personal guards I was trained on how to be silent, to be ready to
defend, to follow orders and to be
emotionless . . . to be a man. Part of
the training even included standing still in front of a wall naked for 26
hours. The day before I started the job I was asleep in my bed when the door opened and in came Caine and a few other TL's. I had never seen anyone else come into my room before, the TL's stood silently as Caine produced a searing hot brand into my upper shoulder. I let out a loud groan but one of the TL's put something in my mouth and I just bit down hard into it.
"This is an honor , Mr.Clark. All of your thoughts and actions belong to me now," he said pushing the brand deeper and then took it out so I could see it, " This is a delta it stands for dulous. It means you are in devotion to me over your own life and you will take that to your grave."
For the first time I noticed the other TL's in the room had similar markings.
Once I began my post as Caine's personal TL I never let anything distract me
from Caine not even all of the girls I was approached by or saw.
Until I saw her.
I had been with Caine for 2 months and I had never seen Caine get this way . . . so invested in a person, a little girl none the less. We were siting in his car and he was conferencing to Reiter over the phone about how Reiter had faked her death to keep outside people from getting curious.
“We video taped tranquility lights shooting a corpse and then we exchanged the bodies for her unconsious one, it looks very real and the boy and his friends saw it and believed it,”
“A bit sloppy but, it will do. We will be in touch soon,” Caine said hanging up.
At that time I didn’t even question why they had a corpse, why they had to trick people and what the obsession with this girl was.
“Ms.Juliana is a rare exception,” Caine said to me. “ I have been lenient on her parents because they have made considerable donations and emptied quite a bit of savings in United Light. They helped evangelize much of our members in the beginning. In a way I groomed her as my successor or to atleast carry one but, I made a crucial mistake in Sawyer. The important thing is that her ignorance is gone. She may seem nice but, she is our biggest threat and not to United Light but to me personally. She will be made my wife for political matters and I will restore that faith in her.”
When we arrived at the Reese's house, I was instructed to watch her . It was an odd paradox she looked so young there was no way we could be the same age. She was asleep her legs were twisted over each other and her hands were tied over her head to the head board.
I never understood the guys back home who would see a pretty girl and suddenly want to sleep with her but, for a brief second there was a glimmer of a thought of sleeping with her in my head.
She woke up and as she started to move but, I knew it was futile. She made noises and Caine and her parents came in, she seemed so weak and stupid. I stood by thinking this would be an easy assignment but as usual I was wrong.
Over the next week the more time I spent watching her the less she became a person and more of a whiny annoyance. She always looked on the verge of tears and never slept--which meant I never slept --and nothing prepared me for 36 hours of sleep deprivation.
One night I was so frustrated I drugged her and she fell asleep quickly. I figured she would either sleep through the night or was dead either way I was getting to sleep. I made my way back to my room which I know shared with Caine’s other personal TL’s and I saw Rick, a 17 year old runaway who Caine had gotten a hold of and Henry--- Henry was the only guy who got to tell me what to do
“It’s been a while,” Henry joked
“It’s that stupid bitch. I had to fucking drug her, I gave her over 75 ML of Haldol , I had to put it in her leg so her vein wouldn’t pop,” I told them as I disarmed and sat down for the first time in hours and put one of the microwave noodle in the microwave.
“What did her panties look like?” Henry laughed--- he was such a pervert.
“Like I give a fuck,” I told him
“If I were you, I would have fucked her by now,” Henry said and then in a quieter tone,”I mean if Caine sure as hell isn't gonna do it and he isn't,”
“I know you would,” I told him.
I had been with a few girls, not because I was in love but because there wasn’t much to do in my town and we all knew it pissed our parents off. I missed human touch but, I still hated that bitch. I mean she saw that fucking traitor Logan as a person. I had to wait until Caine had completely broken her if I was going to fuck with her. She was still too feeling toward dissenters and if anyone could change that it was Caine.
I was never shocked by his cruelty but, I was by the extent of cruelty he used on her. Like that night. That night that changed everything.
Part II
I saw Caine sitting with her on her bed . I knew he was telling her about his mother’s death I expected her to cry maybe look for comfort in Caine but she didn't. She reached up and actually scratched him.
I was ready to attack her but Caine held a hand up to me.
Who the fuck did she think she was ? She couldn’t see how kind he was being to her. Treating her like a daughter.
I had seen Caine bring a man close to death, but never a woman-- a teenaged girl no less. He grabbed her hand where I knew the fresh brand she had was scalding. He was unforgiving and malicious with each strike but she did not scream but just let a few silent tears escape. It didn't really matter because her battered body said it all.
I was defeated.
When Caine left the room--I knew she was feeling confounded. She had enjoyed the touch but hated the feeling. When she laid in bed like nothing had happened I knew it was over. When it looked like she was asleep I walked out taking my ear piece out. The guys were going to love to get a load of this.
“Rhett,” Caine’s voice called
I checked my ear but remembering the earpiece was gone I turned surprised to see him standing behind me.
“Yes, sir ? She is sleeping I was going to retire,” I said
“That is fine,” Caine said, “However Juliana is a lynchpin in my actions in the coming days. I am going to Mississippi and I need her in the best condition. I am sure she is weak but not completely. . . destroyed. Women can be very reselient to a certain point. I want you to take advantage of the situation. Do you understand ?”
He wanted me to rape her.
I knew this was coming—Caine had hinted at it some-- so I nodded my head.
“Disarm and then come back up. Make sure she is awake for it,” he said and walked off.
I went down to my room and decided I may as well take a shower first. I wasn’t at all pensive about it, I was just going to follow orders. I was about to shut the water off when I heard the door open.
“It’s called fucking privacy !” I yelled as I looked over to see Ricky.
“Th-the- girl !,” Ricky said “She is on the railing she looks likes she’s trying to kill herself, I didn’t tell Caine I thought—“
I knew Ricky was always trying to get on my good side.
I grabbed the nearest pieces of clothing to me and ran upstairs to see her taking a step over the balcony. I ran up the steps and grabbed her as fast as I could in my arms.
And then like some intervention from above after that she became human to me. I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with her and somehow that stupid bitch changed me in more ways than Caine ever had.
----
As the we neared the airport I found myself wondering if I should ever tell Juliana that if she hadn’t tried to kill herself that night I would have raped her. It didn’t seem relevant anymore and I knew she was just trying to move on.
“I can still turn back,” Mama said
I snapped out of my tainted memories and back to where I was in the car sitting outside of the airport. We were parked right in front and I could feel a mother son moment coming on.
“I want to do this,” I told her, “I will be fine.”
“Rhett, baby I just worry,” she said, “I know you can be reckless sometimes . . . not to mention how far you will be from home and what is going to happen after you graduate ?”
“Mama, I’m goin’ so I can learn not to be reckless. And I told you when I graduate I got to dedicate 5 years to the service. I’ll try to get stationed in Louisiana so, I’ll be close. Besides as soon as summer training is over you and Savannah can come see me. I bet you won't recognize me,”
“I don’t think we can afford two tickets, Rhett,” she said
“I’ll take care of it, I still have money from—well, I still have money,” I told her.
No one in my family asked about my short stint at United Light but, I still had the money I made in my first 3 months. They were calling the attack on the commune a raid and it was all over the news, it was one of those things that after a while I couldn’t hear anymore and I always tuned it out. I was sure I was going to get into more trouble for the things I had seen and done but, I was told as long as I told everything I was free to get my life back together. It still felt weird betraying Caine.
We both got out of the car and I got all of my suitcases together, as I put my backpack over my shoulder Mama caught me in a hug and held me in the embrace. I knew she was upset, she always got quiet when she was upset. I looked down at my watch my plane was leaving in less than an hour.
“You tryin' to make me late ?,” I teases her, pulling away from her embrace.
“I guess so,” she laughed,” Just be safe, I love you”
“I will, I love you too,” I said and headed for the airport. I was sure she was going to be waiting in that parking lot until she saw the plane in the sky.
---
Part III
8 weeks later
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about Juliana at the end of summer training. Training has been an intense introduction to life at the Coast Guard Academy. I figured the best thing for me was to mentally cut off all the ties with United Light and anything so I could concentrate on doing my best. But, the summer had ended, and now for the first time I had some free time.
I knew her Dad had an apartment nearby but that gave me no reason to think she would be staying there. I walked back to the barracks when I saw, Quinn one of my better friends in the barracks walking towards me surrounded by a few other cadets.
“Hey, man !” he called, “We’re going out you want to come ?,”
“No, I have this appointment,” I told him
“Are you in trouble ?” he asked
I guess my tone betrayed my unhappiness about the appointment
“No, nothing like that. Just getting some things straight,”
He and his friends walked past me.
Seeing a group of people like that always reminded me of how lonely I was. I knew I had a bond with my fellow cadets that extended beyond anything I could comprehend but, I still found mysef shying away from them. I
had always made friends (and enemies) easily and in Freeport the people who you
fingerpaint with usually sit at your funeral too.
The truth was I was in a bit of trouble. I was required to see this shrink once a week privately. No one seemed to want to believe I was fine and just wanted to move on. I headed across campus and to the clinic, I headed down the stairs to the basement and into Dr.Murray's office. Dr. Murray was an okay woman she had survived the academy herself and seemed to take a special interest in my situation.
Whatever the hell that means.
I took a sit in the chair across from her.
"Congratulations on finishing summer," she said
"Thank you, ma'am," I said
We sat in silence for a few minutes.
“Anything you want to talk about ?,” she asked. That’s how she started every session and I usually just shook my head and looked down but, something about knowing I was an official cadet now and having that on my back changed me . . . I wanted to be honorable.
“I been thinkin’ about someone,” I said,”This girl”
"Okay," said Dr. Murray with a smile, I knew she was happy I was opening up “Was she a United Light member ?”
“Kinda,”I said,”I want to talk to her but, I did some real bad things to her.”
“What do you mean bad ?” she asked
“Well, I mean I ain’t did them or nothing . . .I guess. It was more like I stood by and watched which is just as bad. . . Caine you know the guy in charge . . he was real brutal to her . . . he hit her and I didn’t say anything. Anyway, I think she may have family in the area”
“Well, why don’t we start with a letter. I want you to write a mock letter to her, you don’t have to show me or send it it just helps get feelings out and let you make sense of your thoughts.”
“Can’t I type it ?”
“Well, you could but, writing is much more personal.”
I kind of laughed it off.
When our
session was over I went to the bookstore that was filled with families buying
everything they could with a USCGA logo. I had just planned on looking around but, I brought some stationery and a pen and headed to my
favorite spot on the campus, the docks.
I liked to look out into the sea and just be near the ships. I couldn’t wait unitl I was working full time in one of them, I loved being out on the sea with no land in sight. Everyone else was out celebrating in town so it was pretty much empty. I took out the paper and started writing
Dear Juliana,
I survived. It’s official I’m a cadet in the Coast Guard Academy. The campus is amazing and being on the sea is an experience, I’m happy I’m here.
I don’t know what you’re plans where or even what you are doing but, I feel like I owe you something. I don’t know maybe friendship at the least ? For the first time I understand what honor, commitment and loyalty really mean and UL was none of that. I regret everything and I regret Caine but, I don’t reget meeting you because I only hope one day I can be as strong as you. And that’s not bullshit because you are more than people think, well than I thought. It just feels weird letting you walk out of my life I just feel like it’s not supposed to be this way. I don’t know.
Something compelled me to put my phone number and contact info at the bottom.
Later than night without even re-reading what I wrote I mailed the
letter to her Dad’s address. I didn’t know if she would ever see it but, I did it.
I was expecting a phone call or an e-mail but, 2 weeks later I actually got a letter back.
You’re letter was nice. Dad moved back here and I am staying with him. I want to have friends so, I don’t see why we can’t be friends. You should know I’m not as strong as you think but, that’s okay. So, what is your life like ?
It was short and all around meaningless but, we started writing letters back and forth. She had no internet service and their land line didn’t work so, it sufficed and it was kind of fun. It never went beyond me writing about my life and her commenting until one day I received an entire package from her. I opened it to find a tin of cookies and a big blanket with a knitted blanket of crooked orange and blue stripes
I’m not good at cooking but,I am really bored and I wanted to send you something nice. I hope it is right.
It was perfect-- the blanket, she remembered the Academy colors. This seemed like a big step her giving me something and I immediately went to the bookstore and brought a shirt and attached an even shorter note.
You're wearing this to the game against the Marines in November. See you there.
I honestly didn’t know if I was
ready to see her or not but either way it was happening. I went to the calendar
against my wall and circled the game date. I took the package and after
dropping it off I went to the stadium and slipping inside I walked to the top of the bleachers and imagined what it would be seeing her here. Looking over the top bleacher I could see a perfect birds-eye view of the Thames River and the USS Eagle and just beyond that the sea. It was going to
be strange seeing her-- I wondered if we were going to have to talk about UL, we
had seemed to avoid that. She had every right to demand an explanation from me, she had every right to hate me.
Whatever her reaction was going to be, whatever happened to her because of what I didn't do I was going to have to be accountable and take it. After all I was going to be in the Coast Guard.
Semper Peritus
Always prepared.
